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Refuge

You did not bring order to chaos,
but you gave me shelter,
preserved my sanity,
(saved my soul)
and taught me not to put my faith
in those who would deceive.

You could not lead me
through the wasteland,
but you sustained my journey,
propped me up,
gave me what I needed
until I found my guide.

Possessed of an unruly heart
that would not obey the rules,
you proved love could be
unjealous,
unconditional,
cornucopian.

You were a well in the desert that never ran dry.

My refuge, my safe harbor
in a sea of queasy dramas,
indiscretions,
night confessions,
and the violent obsessions
that too often passed for love,
you were the small quiet certainty
in the eye of the storm
that was my youth.

This was written for Three Word Wednesday and for M.A. (fifth in a series).

8 comments:

Sheilagh Lee said...

aw this is sweet

June 29, 2016 at 2:45 PM
Alice Audrey said...

I like the phrase, "queasy dramas". It really contributes to that sense of angst filled teenage years, and the need for this kind of touchstone.

June 29, 2016 at 4:57 PM
Ann (bunnygirl) said...

@Alice: I was far from a teenager when I met M, but my relationships were definitely drama-filled until my late 20s.

June 29, 2016 at 5:02 PM
Old Egg said...

You will continue to have those precious memories for ever. They will be your treasure that you take with everywhere. Love is the most beautiful thing in the world.

June 29, 2016 at 7:10 PM
Alice Audrey said...

Mine were drama filled until I met Mr. Al. Not that things settled instantly, but he gave me a lot of much needed stability. Still does.

June 30, 2016 at 11:10 AM
Ann (bunnygirl) said...

@Alice: Yes, that was how it was for me, too.

During the years I was seeing M, I learned that I could walk away from drama and from people who needed me to change baseline aspects of who I am. I also learned that I could see someone honestly, enjoy them for who they were, and not need to force them into a mold or delude myself that they were really something other than what I saw. By loving M in spite of his unsuitability as a life partner, I learned not to force relationship beyond its limits, but to also be more honest about what my needs really were.

In retrospect, I don't think I could have had my stable, happy 20+ year marriage had I not first spent several years with M in my life. It's been almost a month since M died and I've analyzed the heck out of that relationship, read my old diaries, etc, trying to figure out just why he had such a huge impact on my life. I think I finally understand it now, though. Since this poem pretty much sums it up, it may be my final one about him. I'll continue to put him in my stories, though. He's had an outsize impact in my fiction as well as well as in my reality. Just another reason I still love him.

June 30, 2016 at 12:07 PM
Jae Rose said...

Perhaps life offers us a safe harbour in the form it can give us at that time - if we work hard it allows us to move forward..to learn to create our own safety.. a refuge for us may not tally with others opinions but it is ours whilst we need it - that is perhaps all that counts.. i admire your insight and honesty - in your own writing and in the writing of others.. traits hard to find in many a person

July 1, 2016 at 6:46 AM
Alice Audrey said...

I think a lot of early relationships are valuable not so much for the love in the relationship, but for the way it helps us define ourselves. I can name two or three men that taught me what NOT to allow in my love life. There was nothing wrong with them as men or as people, but I couldn't endure the relationship.

July 1, 2016 at 6:02 PM